The Purpose Of My Life Is _________ (fill in the blank)

Ever since I was a little girl, I've firmly felt the need to seek and be open to the plan God has for my life. I've always felt that at some point there will be a divine purpose revealed to me. So urgent is the need for purpose, a need instilled in my being, that at one point I almost became depressed about not knowing what it is. I sharply recall the many times I pleaded with God to show me what it was. I felt like an empty hole was gaping inside me. I couldn't understand why God didn't clearly show me what He wanted me to do. I knew my life was supposed to be about so much more. An aching longing filled me to know what it was.

The hole began to be filled when I went on my first mission trip. There I was, out in the world doing something good, reaching out to people. When I returned home I wept, anguished both by the life here in America that I take for granted and at the thought of going back to the mundane day to day tasks I had known for so long. Yet the hole was filled a little more when I began to work for a maternity ministry. I was helping people. I was doing a small bit of good. I ended up going on three more mission trips, each time feeling a deeper sense of purpose. The hole didn't bother me like it used to.

As well as work for a maternity ministry, I'm also the ministry assistant for my church. As it's happened through the years, I've come to fill several different roles in my church. Many of those things are related to being the ministry assistant, plus other things like volunteering as the nursery coordinator. I was talking with my pastor the other day, and he mentioned the fact that they'd like to offer me more hours to work as ministry assistant. I was excited about the idea. I told him how I enjoy working for the church and planned to be there unless "God called me to Africa or something". I repeated this statement to a family member a few days later when discussing the future. I said this blithely, with a laugh. Yet ... I said it earnestly as well. Even as I feel an overall peace about where I am in life, there's still part of me that is waiting. Waiting for that hole to be completely filled, if it ever will be. Waiting for a divine purpose.

Maybe someday God really will call me clearly to do mission work overseas as I have envisioned. Maybe it will be some other kind of work that I haven't even thought of. Maybe it will turn out to be a wife and stay at home mom! Whatever it is that God has planned for me, I know that it may not completely fill the hole or cease the quiet longing from existing. In fact, I don't think I want it to ever cease completely. In this life, I don't really think that there can be a place of ultimate purpose, because we are human: prone to mess up, turn away, be discouraged, follow our own wills, and in general let our sinful nature come between us and the divine. That's why there's mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Our lives as Christians are a constant burning away of the dross. A continual perfecting as we walk in God's will and step closer to heaven. All I can do is stay moldable for my Creator, hearkening to the Spirit, and ready to follow my Savior wherever He leads. Could that be the purpose inside of the purpose? Simply to be ready and willing: to keep sandals on my feet like the Israelites on the night they left Egypt? It will take work to do it. My human flesh may cry against it, but my spirit aches for more than this world can hold. So let me hold on, hold fast, hold constant to the belief that there is a divine purpose which God is unfolding in my life, and yes beloved, in yours too.