ripple effect

Every now and then, your life collides with that of a stranger and you get the chance to do some good thing for them, or they for you, and both your lives are touched. I recently got such a chance. It was there in my face and I knew just what I was supposed to do.

But I didn't. I blew it.

I was at Target. The store didn't have the exact item I was looking for, so I wandered back to the front of the store, browsing along the way. I found something else I had been looking for so I put it in my basket and got in line to check out. There were two people in line in front of me. A woman with several purchases and a man with a single item: a bottle of water. I noticed this without thinking anything about it. It was noon, and my thoughts were controlled by one thing: I was hungry. It was an almost-headache-hunger that made me want to do nothing more than get home and eat. How self-focused.
As the man with the water bottle opened his wallet to pay he said, "My credit card may not work ... we can try it and see ..." His voice was mixed with resignation and hope. The cashier swiped his card and shook her head.
"I'm sorry, it didn't go through." The man said something - "Okay, yeah, thanks," - and walked away. Though this was happening right in front of me, my thoughts were elsewhere, and I watched and listened to the exchange as though from another place. I had been digging around in my purse and as I extracted my wallet and looked up the man was walking to the door and the cashier was ringing up my item.
"How has your day been so far?" she asked in a chipper voice.
"Fine," I mumbled, staring after the man's retreating frame. My thoughts cried out, "Wait! It's just a bottle of water. I'll get it." I wanted to call after the man, "Come back!" but the words stuck in my throat. Instead of just doing it, just saying it, I thought of the possibility of his being embarrassed. Mentally I saw myself calling out, him turning around and shaking his head, waving the offer away, and leaving before I could embarrass him further: a stranger offering charity while a cashier and other customers looked on. I saw this picture because it's probably what I would do if I were in the man's shoes. No, it's fine, I'm okay, thank you ... My instinct would be to say that, even as my heart would tell me to take it. Because charity is one of those funny things that everyone reacts a little differently to.

This all ran through my head within a couple of seconds, but by that time the man was about to walk out the door. The words were still there, stuck in my throat, and that's where they stayed. Then he was gone.

I could still catch him, I thought. I could buy the water and maybe I could catch up with him in the parking lot and hand it to him. In fact that might be the better way to do it anyway. I turned to the cashier but she was telling me my total and even though something inside me screamed, I'll buy the bottle of water too!, I didn't say it, again. I was mute. Dumbly I swiped my credit card and took my receipt and my bag. He's probably already gone, I thought. But when I went outside I could see him walking across the parking lot. If I had bought the bottle of water I would have had to run but I could have caught him. He would have looked at me strangely. We both would have been a little embarrassed. But ...

It was what I was supposed to do.

As I walked to my car I felt incredibly weighed down. I ran through the idea of running back inside to buy some water, but knew for certain that this time it would be too late. By the time I waited in line and got back outside the man would have been long gone. I had missed it. I had missed the chance to bless a stranger. Guilt swept over me. I knew that I was supposed to buy his water. Or at least to offer to buy it, even if he turned me down. I just knew it. What if he had been having an awful day and it just got worse and I could have brightened it just a tiny bit but didn't? I had no idea why his card didn't work or what he might be going through. All I knew was that I could have at least tried to help. He might have turned me down - 50/50 chance - but I could have tried. I should have, but I didn't.

When I got in my car I sat there and almost cried. It was such a small thing that I could have done. It might have been a big thing for the man. I didn't know, and wouldn't. I had the chance to pay a good thing forward and blew it. Every single day there are ways to bless people with good things of all shapes and sizes: encouraging words or notes, gifts, a helping hand, an embrace. It's easier to see and seize these chances when it's with people one loves. When it's with a stranger, out of our comfort zone, out of sync with our normal lives, it's easier to let the chances slip past unnoticed. I don't know that I've ever told myself to purposefully be on the look out for ways to bless strangers, to pay good things forward. The man with the water bottle was so incredibly obvious, a billboard in my face, and still I let him walk out the door without saying a word.

Maybe it's a small regret in the scale of life, but maybe it's much more. Maybe it's a humbling reminder to keep my eyes and heart open, to react and not analyze. Hush, you thoughts of 'what if' that stopped my speech. Hush, you fear of embarrassment. Wake up, eyes to really, truly see those around me. Wake up out of my quiet comfort zone and see how each life touches so many others, and decide to make that touch mean something. Pay it forward.