Determinedly Untamed

"You can't scare me away

I've tamed the moss upon the rocks

And molded the red clay"

 - River Like You, by Maya Hawk

A few weeks before returning to the States from the mission field, I wrote the following declaration. It was in defense of things I had felt were long and loudly unsaid about the patriarchal hierarchy, beliefs brusquely buzzing through the air beneath more diplomatic phrases. Unfortunately, there can still be old points of view, especially in religious communities, which can cause unintentional harm, such as male leadership being the final stop. People I knew overseas made decisions and had reactions which came from places of love and long-held convictions, so I'm trying to write this with kindness and understanding; we can't always know how our actions effect others. So, if you're affected, speak up, and when someone speaks, listen. To the incredible people in my life who listen, openly and well, I thank you. It is a true gift. 

I am not.
I am not less-than because I am single, even when I'm walked-over, expected to be fine alone, and treated differently than a woman with a husband.
I am not less-than because I do not have children.
I am not less-than because I am a woman (and specifically, because I am a woman who does not have children or a spouse).

I am not timid, but cautious, not overly shy, but more private and quiet. If I don't speak up it's not because I'm a bundle of nerves; I've faced my share of confrontations, yet I believe in doing my best to weigh my words.
I am not here to be manipulated, guilted, or told what to do without option as though I weren't an adult.
I am not less-than for my emotions, for my tears.
I am not less-than because I am not in a role of leadership or authority; if I am good at what I do and am hard-working and committed, than I am not small.


I am.
I am strong, because I can forge my own life, on my own.
I am brave, because I can continue to dream for things whose lack of, so far, can occasionally be painful.
I am courageous, because I dare to be someone who expects more from herself than what I'm sometimes told. 

I am here to be firm and decisive, and to not back down.
I am enough, and my tears and emotions are the beautiful proof of a caring and human heart which is stronger for dipping deep into a well of empathy. 
I am enough in any job I do, task I accomplish, or possibility I follow, earnestly utilizing the best of my talents and abilities.
I am capable, strong, brave, courageous, decisive, feeling, and trying my darnedest to be done with bullshit.
I am enough.