To The Deep

Here, I attempted to capture the feeling of being swept up in sadness, for any reason, and of knowing it will pass yet fully acknowledging it with authenticity. It is written for anyone struggling with illness, loss, uncertainly, lack of hope, or any other deep sea sadness. There are shades of blue for all sorts of days; sometimes they pass quickly, sometimes they linger on the peripheral, and sometimes they tinge everything in their hue. I wrote this on a day of knowing the blue would pass, yet working to express the depth of it in the moment, nonetheless. I am learning; all feelings are valid rather than being labeled as "silly" or "untrue". They are worth being validated, even when I may want to smother them out of embarrassment. So, here's to the blue ones, real as they come, and here's to you. 

Sadness washes over me

It feels like the tide of every grief

Like the new reality of my life is sunk below these unwearying waves 

I struggle against it

But there’s a weight on my chest

And my reaching hands only grasp hold of water and sand.

What has called this up from the deep?

What alarm bell awakened this sea monster

To try and swallow me whole? 

Am I swimming against the riptide, or drowning?

Am I staunchly battling the current, or giving in? 

A nudge inside tells me it is both, all at once and in varying moments.

Break through the surface

First gasp of relief, too ragged to believe

Yet one breath begets another, begets life

The first feeling of peace

Of floating; back to shore, back to wholeness

Back to myself.

Wholeness is tenuous

One day I can be in the sun

The next, dark tentacles have snuck around my ankles.

Deep calls to deep - for every measure of joy can be one of sadness, so the well within me runs full in both directions.

Still; I’m standing, swimming, breathing

Still; I’m laughing, weeping, floating, fighting

Knowing of the showers and typhoons

Tomorrow may feel like drowning 

So today, I fill my lungs

Deep.