If Only In My Dreams

"I am dreaming tonight
Of a place I love
Even more than I usually do
And although I know
it's a long road back
I promise you ..."
 - "I'll Be Home For Christmas", by Kim Gannon, Walter Kent and Buck Ram


The above song, now a Christmas tradition covered by countless singers, almost never came to be. It was written from the perspective of a soldier in WWII who was writing a letter home to his family. It's a lovely melody full of hopeful requests and bright images of togetherness, turning suddenly sad at the last, wistful line, "If only in my dreams". Many music producers turned the song down, saying it was simply too melancholy. It was Bing Crosby who finally agreed to sing it, no matter what anyone else said. It was released the same year as "White Christmas", another wishful tune and classic hit. It became the most requested song of 1943, carrying a sentiment which connected all the soldiers and everyone back home with the some desire.

My Mom was never a big fan of that song. I think that she saw it from the perspective of the person/people who were hoping and waiting for the singer to return, only to be disappointed when he/she couldn't be there.

I get that. I understand that what sounds like a clear and simple promise at the beginning is actually wistful thinking, a bubble of imagined reunions which can't materialize. Yet, I have to feel compassion for the singer. Sometimes the miles are too much, the commitment impossible to break, or there are other circumstances preventing the physical togetherness we all want, especially at Christmas. Yet even if it is only in heart-felt dreams, I have to believe you can still be 'home', no matter the distance.

I'll be celebrating with my family via Skype and email this year. In person I'll be with all the youth I work with: all the boys from Casa Gabriel and the girls from Casa Adalia. We'll all be at the home of the Directors, Phil and Debbie, for a Christmas Eve dinner tonight and breakfast and gifts tomorrow. However as much as I miss my family and they me, I think it may be even harder for Phil and Debbie, because for the first time, not one of their four grown children will be able to come see them this year. With work schedules, college exams, expenses to deal with and not enough vacation time, it simply wasn't feasible. Phil and Debbie were both in the States on Furlough this summer, and because of visa restrictions, Debbie is unable to legally leave the country for another few months. 

All of us will be home for Christmas ... though only in our dreams. It's the traveler's song, the prisoner's lament, the wishful and sincere sentiment of anyone who can't be 'home', whatever the reason may be. Though there is comfort in knowing that home is not a building or a place. It's a sense of belonging. I am here in Ecuador, 2,600 miles away from my family in Texas. I belong to them, my beloved family in my beloved State, and I belong here, in beautiful Ecuador with people who have come to mean so much to me. I am home here, for now, for two years or five or forever. I am home with them during every Skype, email, and yes, dream. I promise.