Pebbles and M&M's

"Heart and head are contrary historians."
 - Jerry Spinelli, "Stargirl"


Confession: as a child I would sort my M&M's by color before eating them, and I still do. Once upon a time, I would take my portion and divide each color evenly, eating them individually until just one of each color was left. Then I'd eat them according to least favorite color (at the moment), saving my favorite for last.
Don't worry, I'm not that anal anymore. Though what I DO do may not be much better.

I eat my M&M's by order of emotions. Blue is sad, yellow is happy, green is in-between, red is fierce-to-angry-to-passionate, orange is vivacious and fully alive. Oh and brown is nothing, so I get those out of the way first. Usually, I'm left with yellow, green, orange and blue. Most often, I'm green. Somewhere in the in-between of feeling joy and sadness and wishing to acknowledge both. However other times I go with yellow (content and happy), orange (burst of aliveness), or yes, blue. I know it's silly. It's a silly thing to do and even more so to confess, but there it is. It's my version of Stargirl's happy wagon.


(At this point, I might advise that I prefer adjectives such as "uniquely different" as opposed to "strange". But to anyone who hasn't both read and identified with the book "Stargirl", you'll likely lean towards the latter. I understand.)


Fictional character Stargirl has many quirks. These include cheering equally for both teams and not just the one representing her school, making sure every kid in school has their birthday recognized with a song played on her ukelele, and keeping a tiny red wagon full of pebbles which represent how her general level of happiness. It's like when someone asks you to rate an experience or emotion on a scale of one to ten, low to high. She quietly keeps this personal meter, which is actually very self-aware and healthy. Knowing where you are emotionally and figuring out why and how to change things if needed is very mature. Stargirl's understanding of herself both helps and hinders her understanding of others. On the one hand, she realizes that everyone wants to be happy, however her efforts in this area are so public and grand - like cheering for both teams and erecting a huge banner proclaiming her feelings for the boy she loves - can make others embarrassed. Stargirl lives in the moment and is unaware of embarrassment until her boyfriend, in an effort to help, shows her how others see her and becomes glad when she changes herself to be more "normal". She is happy for a time because her boyfriend is happy, though the change quickly drains her. She misses being herself. Her happy wagon is slowly depleted of pebbles.


Stargirl is a character dear to my heart, as you can likely tell. She is, though fictional, one of those rare people who are kind to the core and unafraid to be themselves. Yes, she changed herself for a time, but when it wasn't true to who she was she changed back. I've been teased for plenty of things. Some things I don't mind, and am tickled to laugh along with (such as my being a nerd who will swoon endlessly over a number of books, films, and TV shows). Some are amusing enough, such as how I can be told I dress a bit old-fashioned, can recite poetry and number sequences on command, and how I'm thrilled to be barefoot in the kitchen, wearing an apron over my dress as I make pastry from scratch. Some are a little harder, like the fact that I've chosen not to have sex before marriage, an increasingly wow-inducing choice. Yet it's my choice, all of it. What I do, what I love, who I am. Honestly, though, who hasn't wanted to change it all, at times? Who hasn't wanted to try out being a different person, start over and slip into a whole different life? What if I was sexy instead of sweet? Carefree instead of organized? Glamorous and mysterious instead of reliable and curious? I know in my heart that I can be those things as well, that one day for the man I love I will be sexy and surprising. But I will also always be the girl who gets excited about a new film series coming out, who sings while doing dishes, and who gets dressed up for no particular reason.
You won't know it, but I'll be the girl eating her M&M's in accordance to which mood she's feeling most that day. Blue or yellow, orange or green.
Or, maybe, you will.