carry me
I'm not an overly fearful kind of person. I can look down from a great height without a shiver, walk down a street alone at night or stand to work late in a building by myself. Yet sometimes, I frighten myself with my own fears. A stray thought flickers into my mind like a tiny spark, and instead of ignoring it as I should, suddenly I am consumed with the fear of a real fire. I've been afraid of many different things over the years - who hasn't? But in the last few months, one fear keeps rising up that actually makes me weep with dread.
I am both blessed and cursed to have a very vivid imagination. When I was a little girl I could fill a long car ride by staring out the window and just imagining. I would imagine scenarios where my family would be in danger but somehow I would be brave; I would take the first step to saving us and then we would work together and all would be well, like a happily ever after story. I had more day dreams like that than I could ever count, and I won't begin to go into the ways in which I find myself lost in many various day dreams even now.
I can lose myself in beautfiul, wonderful thoughts. I can fill pages upon pages of discription. I think that because of my vivid imagination, I am pretty empathetic: often I can feel other's pain, pain in things that I have never experienced, but which pierce me so sharply and so deep that it takes my breath away.
But also, it makes the terrible more terrible. My fears are magnified because I can see and feel them so clearly. Suddenly little things fill me with a dread that they mean something else. A missed call on my phone from my family, let alone two or three - what is wrong? Is someone hurt? Dead even? (one of my deepest fears). It can easily turn into an obsession, and I don't want it to at all. I love life to much. I am so grateful for all the blessings that are all around me, day to day, to let a cloud of fear cover the sun and descend upon me. I feel my Creator say, "I'm here. I love you. I won't ever let anything happen that you can't handle." Because I know that when I am weak with fear, real or imagined, that He will carry me. He will always carry me.
I am both blessed and cursed to have a very vivid imagination. When I was a little girl I could fill a long car ride by staring out the window and just imagining. I would imagine scenarios where my family would be in danger but somehow I would be brave; I would take the first step to saving us and then we would work together and all would be well, like a happily ever after story. I had more day dreams like that than I could ever count, and I won't begin to go into the ways in which I find myself lost in many various day dreams even now.
I can lose myself in beautfiul, wonderful thoughts. I can fill pages upon pages of discription. I think that because of my vivid imagination, I am pretty empathetic: often I can feel other's pain, pain in things that I have never experienced, but which pierce me so sharply and so deep that it takes my breath away.
But also, it makes the terrible more terrible. My fears are magnified because I can see and feel them so clearly. Suddenly little things fill me with a dread that they mean something else. A missed call on my phone from my family, let alone two or three - what is wrong? Is someone hurt? Dead even? (one of my deepest fears). It can easily turn into an obsession, and I don't want it to at all. I love life to much. I am so grateful for all the blessings that are all around me, day to day, to let a cloud of fear cover the sun and descend upon me. I feel my Creator say, "I'm here. I love you. I won't ever let anything happen that you can't handle." Because I know that when I am weak with fear, real or imagined, that He will carry me. He will always carry me.
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