Oh To Feel The Sacred Flame

 

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!
 - "I Surrender All"

                 Sometimes, I break down crying during worship at church because of some thought which, for whatever reason, has prodded my heart. In those moments I am thankful for the low lights, which gives a slight veil of privacy.

                It was Mother’s Day. I was sitting beside my friends Meredith and Chris. We have been friends for a few years. Last year they had their first baby, a beautiful little girl. I started watching their daughter when she was six weeks old, coming to their house once a week or more and taking care of her while Meredith was at work. As a result, Meredith and I became even closer friends. When Meredith comes home at 5, we start by talking about the baby and often end up chatting for thirty minutes to an hour. I’ve stayed over for dinner a few nights. When they know I’m coming over, they leave the front door unlocked so I can simply let myself in. I’ve been in their home so many times that I don’t think twice about grabbing a glass and opening the fridge to get some cold water. Meredith and I laugh about a time when her sister-in-law was at the house and I was dropping off brownies for a get-together the next day, and when the door opened I explained who I was while walking straight to the kitchen. As the sister-in-law put it, “I knew to let her in because she knew her way to the kitchen and was carrying chocolate.”
                Together, Meredith and I have mourned the fact that I’ll be moving so far away, while rejoicing in the time we have together by packing it full of memories, including stand-up paddle-boarding, going to the ballet, game nights, and taking a one-day road trip to the beach and back. She’s one of those friends you can do crazy things with at one moment and have a deep conversation with the next. We’ll miss our adventures, but know that we can continue to share our lives even when far away.

                On Sunday we were sitting in church together when Meredith left to go get the baby, so she could enjoy the last couple of worship songs. The song that was playing as she left was “I Surrender All”. I stood and sang along, when suddenly I began to cry. The weight of the words slammed into me and I shook with tears. What if God would call me to never be a wife and mom? What if He called me to go overseas and live there forever, always being far away from my family and the friends who have become so dear? Meredith wasn’t yet back with the baby but the thought of seeing them made me cry harder. I have always loved kids but have always been fine with handing them back to their parents. I know of some women who get an ache inside of them to have kids, the ticking of the proverbial biological clock, and I understand that completely without truly feeling it myself. Normally, Mother’s Day is not hard on me. That morning I had given a gift to Meredith – “Your first Mother’s Day!” – and to Erin – “This is a you’ll-soon-be-a-mom gift!” – and had done so in happiness which lived vicariously through them. I wasn’t envious. I was glad for them, and glad to be able to share in their joy. But as I sang along to “I Surrender All”, I wondered how I would feel if God called me to surrender such things as being a wife and being a mother. Those things were on my ‘someday’ list. There are moments when I long to be married but I don’t have a fear that it won’t happen. “In God’s timing” is my mantra which I say and believe. So what if that never happens after all?

                One of my fears is to have wasted time. Sometimes I pack the days full with an urgency to not miss out, to not have regrets. But as much as I might like to, I can’t plan and organize everything. I can’t even be spontaneous with everything, at least not without long-term consequences. I know that God’s timing and plan is perfect, and I want to follow His plan and not mine, I do! In church that morning, I was struck by the thought of how easy that is to say and do now, moment by moment with a few things, while still holding onto future dreams.  
                Last December, I went through a month of crying every Sunday. It was Christmas time and I was in the church which had been so instrumental towards helping me come into my own, surrounded by friends, filled with the knowledge that I’d be leaving it all behind. That month my heart ached for what I would leave, and then I was okay. Moving to Ecuador is the next step for me in serving God. Since first applying at a missions organization a year ago, I haven’t felt anything telling me to stop. Sometimes I reflect on how crazy the whole thing might seem and about what I couldn’t have foreseen when I took that first step of faith, while marveling at the sovereignty of God, whose hand I continue to feel guiding and reassuring me.

                Meredith came back with the baby as the song was ending and I was wiping away the lingering tears. The baby smiled widely at me and I grinned back, laughing softly as she babbled away during the music. Through everything I don’t know, everything I might have to give up, I am rock-solid certain about two things: through any earthly thing I must lose, God’s glory and an eternity with Him makes it not even a sacrifice, and that in this life I am already inexplicably blessed. I smiled at Meredith, my sweet sweet friend, and smoothed her baby’s hair, who gurgled at me and reached out trustingly. I went home to celebrate Mother’s Day, thinking about how I’ll probably see my Mom via Skype next year. Questions may fill me, but I know there’s no way of knowing. I’ll just have to wait in see, trusting God and living each day as well as I can.