Hold The Light

We all have stories. We are stories. Sometimes people want to know the story of why I am such a strong supporter of the organization, "To Write Love On Her Arms" (TWLOHA). On my laptop and a water-bottle, I have stickers of theirs saying "Fears Vs. Dreams", and "I am living a story, I will not give up." I have a couple of t-shirts. I'm always happy to answer the inevitable question, "What does that mean?" Yet the question, "What does that mean for you?" is a little harder.

I've never struggled with depression, cutting, or suicidal thoughts. I consider myself very blessed in that regard. I don't closely know anyone who has ever committed suicide, though I do have a couple of friends who tried to in the past, before I knew them, and their stories impacted me deeply. I had a friend, a girl in my church's college small group I helped with, who always wore long sleeves so as to cover the self-inflicted cuts on her arms. I attended the funeral of a husband of a friend who killed himself. I admit: the fear that someone I know and love would take their life haunts me.

Something you hear often, when someone takes their own life, is that the people around them didn't know things were that bad. The person who was hurting felt alone, isolated with feelings that no one else could understand. That's one of the reasons I support the organization - which offers free counseling and help, and works to make people aware of the reality that suicide is the third highest cause of death amount youth - so that conversations can happen. So that others know they are not alone. It may hurt like hell to open up about dark, painful feelings, but it will hurt more to keep silent.

Once I worked with a woman who told me that her husband's identical twin brother tried to commit suicide, after battling with depression for years. He survived, thankfully, and when his family found out about it, my co-worker and friend called up her brother-in-law and did something many might think the wrong response: she yelled, "What the f--- were you thinking? You're supposed to be my back-up! If anything ever happens to (insert her husband's name), you're going to step in as my back-up, remember?" On the phone, miles apart, both were crying and laughing. There were tears in my eyes when she told me that story, for even though she was yelling and swearing it was a reaction of love. They both knew that. Sometimes love has to be gentle, but sometimes it has to be in your face, bold and stern and taking over your vision. I want to be kind, yet if needed, I want to be able to shout and shake someone who needs help.
I love the song by The Fray which goes, "And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life." I don't know how to save a life. But I want to do everything I can to try.

I was in a coffee shop once, wearing a TWLOHA's shirt. I had just explained to some friends about the organization, when a woman who was passing our table stopped and said, "I like your shirt. Thank you." She said, "Thank you" so specifically, looking right at me. I wondered at her story. What it was that made her thankful to see someone supporting that cause and starting conversations about it. Suicide and self-harm isn't an easy topic. It's not something we want to talk about. Sadly, it's often something that is swept under the rug in many churches and Christian circles, which is the a terrible, harmful practice. It's an old-fashioned thought that if you're a Christian you shouldn't be depressed. That medication and therapy is only for people whose faith isn't strong enough. This, I strongly believe, is bull. I know many Christians who need medication to balance the chemicals in their brains and keep them from being depressed or anxious, and there's nothing wrong with that.

TWLOHA likes to say, "People need other people." We all need people to listen and ask and reach out to try and understand. That's all I want to do. That's why I support their organization, and that's why I'm happy to talk about difficult subjects. Because people were made to need other people, and people were made to have sympathy and empathy and love that is gentle or in your face.
Ask. Listen. Speak. Hold a light. Maybe, that's how to save a life.

"There was no judgement in your eyes
Just the silent peace of God
that felt so real in you:
Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?
 - Hold The Light, by Caedmon's Call