It's Okay When We're Not Okay

 

"To believe I walk alone
Is a lie that I’ve been told

So let your heart hold fast
For this soon shall pass
Like the high tide takes the sand"
- Let Your Heart Hold Fast, by Fort Atlantic 

 

 

I fear polite silences.

After a terrible event - the suicide of a teenager in our missions community - a friend told me that she had one night in particular where she thought about calling my roommate and I and asking us to just come sit with her as she grieved and processed.
"You should have!" I said, ashamed that in my own time of painful processing, I hadn't realized how close she was to the event, how much deeper she would have been effected. I should have seen it. She should have called. Instead, there's this common social view that we shouldn't 'bother' someone else unless we really must. Emotions and feelings are messy. If possible, they should be contained, kept neatly private. Even in an era where phrases such as "have authenticity" and "be vulnerable" have become popular buzz words, we - at  least as a North American culture - still seem to struggle with living this out. If we are really, truly close with someone, maybe we share our tears/anger/fear/sorrow/confusion. But carefully, if we can. Because, you know, we don't want to bother anyone.

This is ridiculous bull-crap.

So maybe you don't want to be the one who breaks down crying. Here's the thing: I'M the one who breaks down crying, and I still have people who love me. It's true that I can still be more private about things; my family can attest that I'm an internal processor, sometimes coming to a decision quietly and on my own, and maybe they wished I was more verbal at times. I'm working on this. But I'm also very easily emotional, tears filling my eyes at a sad story/movie/song/commercial, or just seeing someone else cry. It can be embarrassing, but it's okay. I feel things and it shows, and that's okay.

If we want to live in community with one another, we have to not be afraid of what people may think. Yes, everyone has their own opinions, but worrying about being judged can be paralyzing. I met a woman from Russia who told me that when she first moved to the US in college and started attending a church, she was amazed at how everyone seemed to have such happy, shiny lives. She would ask someone, "How are you?" and they'd smile and reply, "Fine! Everything's good!" She told me, "It took me awhile, but eventually I realized; everyone was just lying!"

She said this because in Russia, when someone asks "How are you?" you reply with what's really going on. Something like, "Oh boy, my roof is leaking and caused a big mess, my husband is taking his sweet time doing anything about it, as usual, my children aren't listening to me, and yesterday I pulled my shoulder!" Then the other person replies with what's happening (what's wrong) in their life, and it becomes a contest to see who has it worse! For her, this type of conversation is what knits people together; comparing woes, airing grievances, because everyone has them! She didn't understand why everyone in America seemed to have it so good, but then she realized; we just gloss over things and keep smiling. We let our guards down carefully, only with people we truly trust, because otherwise, we'll be the only ones who don't have a happy, shiny life.


Therefore, friends ... Since few people actually have neatly wrapped lives that would look pretty in a catalogue, let's be honest. Let's be real and messy.  Let's confide in our family and friends about what we're actually feeling, struggling with, unsure about, hurt over, and yes, excited about, looking forward to, and proud of. They all go together, the joy and sorrow and everything else, in one big basket of feelings. We can be the walking wounded, going around with hidden scars, or we can actually be vulnerable, letting others in even when we're not sure how they'll respond. Authenticity and love should define Christians. Bearing one anothers burdens and responding with love. For although I adore being so close to someone that there is not need to fill the silence when it comes, there is a difference between things left unspoken out of mutual understanding versus out of paralyzing worry. For truthfully, love rarely includes fearful, 'polite' silences.