Glitter and Glow

 

"I'll be your Emmylou and I'll be your June
If you'll be my Gram and my Johnny too
No I'm not asking too much of you
Just sing, little darling, sing with me"
 - Emmylou, by First Aid Kit

I bounced over to Andy, clapping my hands as I told him news which made me very happy. I’m not always the most gregarious person; some people show their excitement through a high pitched squeal, a dance, a full-body tackle of an embrace, or some other unmistakable form of glee. Often, my nature is to remain more reserved. I’ll smile and say “yay!”, but it’s not terribly frequent that I jump for joy. Andy is helping me change that.

When I let loose and show a burst of joy, Andy is delighted. The light in his eyes matches mine, and in the case of me bouncing and clapping my hands on my way over to him, he lifted me in the air, as he knows I love. It is joy infectious, and I’ve learned that the more I show it - the more exuberant and open I am - the more we can both truly share it.

A recurring worry for me has to do with taking up too much space. I've worried about big emotions potentially meaning unfair attention given to myself. I come from a big family, where there is a plethora of joys and sorrows commingling. I've never wanted to crowd out the feelings of others through a larger than necessary display of my own. Somewhere along the way, I learned to keep myself more reserved. 

This has translated to my work life, where I've often found myself in situations where I've felt the need to prove myself. I think, See how professional I am? How competent, and what a good team player with being even-keel, so consistently reliable? In Ecuador, it meant proving myself as a single woman who could take care of herself and was able to jump into any situation. In my current job, it was as someone without any prior background with the state or in social work. Qualities such as not being easily overwhelmed or flustered, taking on new challenges with an air of stability, inspires confidence. Though I truthfully have big emotional reactions to things, I do my best to set them aside until a time and place when I can process them. 

Yet with Andy, this quietude actually became a concern. At times, he was uncertain of what I was truly feeling because I would tamp it down, not wanting to be a burden if I was upset. He’s reassured me time and again that he wants to know, wants me to let him in fully to the good, the bad, and everything in between. The honesty of my tears has drawn us closer than ever, expressions of frustration has helped us understand each other, and bursts of pure joy has delighted and united us both. 

Time and truth has brought us closer than ever. I think I share my feelings fairly automatically now. We can read each other better than ever. To be known and accepted and treasured is the most beautiful gift I've  ever received.

So I skip, I twirl, I bounce in a way I might have previously thought to be too girly, a little over the top, a little bit of taking up space unnecessarily. There are always different personalities, and different spaces in which to express various levels of emotion, and with Andy, I've learned that he wants them all. I'm free to be my full, free-spirited self. Hands claps and all.