Of Two Minds

"And this too shall pass, this too shall pass

It won't always be the same

And every single scar that you claim

Is a stone in the path to this place

And every single choice that you made

Has led you this way, so lay your head on me"

 - Lay Your Head On Me, by Major Lazer & Marcus Mumford

Sometimes I feel as though I'm of two minds, two wills, two beings combined in one body. The one is cautious and careful. The one has worries and concerns. She tries to plan things out, guessing at the future and the various possible outcomes. She stares ahead with determination, like a chess player thinking many moves ahead. She is earnest in her careful concern. The risk of mistake, and therefore pain, weighs heavily on her shoulders. She takes the responsibility of choice utterly seriously, both for herself yet even more for those around her, for she knows the ripple effects. She knows that no man is an island; she reminds herself that her actions have consequences for more than just herself. 

The other is carefree and fearless. She says, "There is beauty and freedom in the wild, reckless moments of abandonment. Unburden yourself: open wide your arms and fling yourself forward into the great unknown of the world. Do not hold back, not any part of yourself. Don't let yourself regret the things you never did. Take chances. We all make mistakes, so at least make them wholeheartedly. Go with courage. Know that you may be hurt and disappointed, yet go boldly with your expectations anyway. Be in the moment rather than on the sidelines. Face the things which seem impossible, not labeling them until you know. Despite it all, dear heart, be unstoppably brave."

These two mind within me each pull for control, vying for leadership. It is easy for me to take on physical things, like heights and pain. I zipline and skydive, I donate blood, I run half marathons, I move to a new country, and I give time and energy and resources. Yet I worry over saying no. I consider how my choices may impact others. I find myself sometimes being cautious of enjoying too much happiness, preparing for its possible end because life likes to be abrupt. I tread carefully. I swim in the ocean without fear, yet am cautious to accept love. 

The truth is, I like having control. Unknowns can be frightening; what I mostly have power over is myself, so perhaps I grip onto it tightly, afraid to lose control because then where would I be? I pride myself on being capable, not needy, yet everyone has needs. It's okay to be capable and also need someone else's capability at times. I have to remind myself of that. 

I strive for balance, to make choices both courageous and well-considered. Yet more and more, I just want the blithe and brave part of me to win out. I want to live wholeheartedly, as well as I can. I think I would rather risk great pain in the pursuit of great joy than settle for mediocre, lukewarm amounts of both. 

So, may I be inspired and inspiring. May I leap rather than hold back, run rather than tread lightly, give until it aches and be thankful for even the moments of pain which pierce my heart with the truth of being alive.