pretty

It was a Saturday night, and I was babysitting. Sam is 5 ("and a half!"), Anna is 7, Madeline is 8. We had just come inside from playing baseball and were standing in the kitchen. Then Sam said something I was not expecting at all:
Sam: "Sonnet, you're hot!"
Me: (a little flummoxed and definitely amused), "Um, what?"
Sam: "You're hot!" (says it with certainty as well as a shrug, as though to say, 'come on, you know')
Me: (not sure how to respond), "Do you mean hot as in warm? Or ..."
Anna: "He means hot as in saxy!" (says it like she's shortened the word saxophone)
Me: (now I have to laugh), "I think you mean sexy. Thank you, but when you talk to a girl it's better to say 'You're pretty'. Pretty is nicer than hot or sexy. It's a better thing to say."

The children absorbed this information quietly. The shy smiles on their faces told me that they knew the words 'hot' and 'sexy' were grown-up words that they didn't really know the meaning of and felt important in saying them.
Me: "And I can say that you are handsome Sam! The girls are very pretty and you are handsome."
Sam: (speaks in an 'that's just how it is and it's fine' sort of tone) "No, I'm not handsome right now. I'm just wearing cargo pants and this is my old t-shirt since I've been playing in the sand."
Me: "Ha! Sam, it doesn't matter what you're wearing. You're still handsome. It's you that's handsome, not your clothes. It's who you are."
Sam smiled at me, but by then the children had mentally moved on to other topics and changed the conversation by asking what we would do next.


A wonderful thing about children is that they are always asking to be told what things mean. Always learning. In that same grain, I decided to get Webster's exact take on some of the words that came up that night.

The dictionary lists "hot" as an adjective with 27 definitions. Definition number 7 says,
Slang: A. sexually aroused; lustful. B. sexy, attractive

For the word and adjective "sexy" there are 3 definitions. These include
A. concerned predominately with sex (a sexy novel) B. sexually interesting or exciting (the sexiest professor on campus) C. excitingly appealing, glamorous (a sexy new car)

Finally, for the word and adjective "pretty" their are 7 definitions of how the word can be used. The first one is the kind I told Sam to use: A. pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness: a pretty face.

However I was also drawn to the second definition:

(of things, places, etc.): pleasing to the eye, especially without grandeur.

Pleasing but without grandeur. Everyday but lovely. Attractive as by gracefullness. There, that is the one I like. Something that seems uncomplicated yet is complex because it is attractive without making a fuss about it. The bud before the blossom of beauty.


If the children has asked me to explain what hot and sexy meant, I would have told them the best definition I every heard. Although it may be an unpopular thing to do, I'll be bold and quote Rob Bell in his book "Sex God: Exploring The Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality" when he writes what his wife once said to explain 'sexy' to their son: "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you." Bell then writes, "Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside."
I love that.

All that I need is to feel sexy inside. Appealing, sometimes glamorous, and just plain comfortable in my own skin and in my heart. Then I can be pleasing without grandeur on the outside. Pretty. Just pretty. No matter what I'm wearing or how much I weigh or if I have on any makeup. If I can be sexy on the inside then maybe I can be pretty through and through. So, thank you five-and-a-half year-old Sam. If maybe that's what's you meant then the same to you, handsome boy. The same to you.